Apparently this matters: Colonel Meow is dead | CNN Business

Editor’s note: Every week on CNN’s “Apparently This Matters.” Jarrett Bellini he applies his warped sensibility to trending topics on social media and random items of interest on the web.

CNN
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Attention Minions of Colonel Meow:

Unfortunately we announce it at a terrible wednesday hour – Colonel Meow’s Time – Colonel Meow, beloved leader, feline lord and supreme dictator of the Colonel Meow Empire, merged with infinity. To mark this occasion of feline loss, we ask that all minions observe a moment of silent contemplation…

… Thank you for your kind attention. This time has been duly noted on your time cards and will be deducted from your pay.

That’s all.

Yes, the colonel is dead.

And the internet mourns the death of a truly magnificent animal.

An animal that struck fear into the hearts of lesser beings. An animal that became an icon. An animal that routinely pooped on its own skin.

“Bask, I say! Bask in the glory of my partially digested Fancy Feast!”

While the ever scowling Colonel Meow may not have been as world famous and instantly recognizable as Grumpy Cat, he was definitely the former. And without a doubt the biggest.

And, above all, it was the scariest.

You see, while Grumpy Cat generally seemed annoyed and forlorn, Colonel Meow was proud, scheming, and evil, like he might actually murder a little human just for sport.

Little by little. While listening to “O Fortuna”.

To the internet world he was a “fearsome lovable dictator” whose wrathful face dominated all of humanity.

Not bad for a cat from humble roots. And no testicles.

Colonel Meow’s rise to power began in a roadside ditch: sad, scared and lonely. And it’s not completely different from how I spend my weekends. (Things are strange at home.)

Eventually rescued from the mean streets, he was taken in by the Himalayan and Persian Society of Seattle, and later adopted at Petco by a loving human named Anna Marie Avey.

Which soon became known simply as “Slave Beast”.

Colonel Meow’s real rise to power began when Avey and her husband, Eric Rosario, started posting pictures of him on Instagram. Almost immediately, he was a star, and the colonel commanded loyalty a growing number of loyal fans.

His minions

And while he didn’t actually accomplish much during his reign, other than countless naps and a well-developed palate for Scotch, Colonel Meow nevertheless left this world with at least one true medal of honor.

He holds the Guinness World Record for “cat with the longest fur”.

In fact, three independent vets measured and confirmed his coat, which averaged 22.89 centimeters.

That’s about 9 inches of furry greatness.

Now, not only was he the angriest cat in the world, he was also the fluffiest. So fluffy I could die.

Which, if those were his wishes, you would surely do.

But Colonel Meow also had a kind side, which looks like my profile in Christian Mingle.

I was afraid of the things I coughed up. He liked to be held. And he liked to have his ass scratched.

And, somewhat surprisingly, he also had an unexpected best friend named Boots, a golden retriever he lovingly described on Facebook as “stupid.”

But most of all, Colonel Meow was fearsome. And powerful And for a brief, incredible moment, it really was the Colonel’s world.

The rest of us just have to live with it. I chose not to wear pants.

However, in November 2013, everything came crashing down. Colonel Meow suddenly fell ill and was hospitalized with heart problems. And just a couple of months later, he was gone.

Swallow cat responded to the news on Twitter: Rest in peace @colonel_meow. A really bad day. #RIPConel Meow

Another internet famous cat, Lil Bub, too expressed his condolences: Dear @colonel_meow: You are without a doubt the most gifted feline I have ever met. See you in space dear friend.

And space is exactly where Colonel Meow now looks down upon his minions, a proud and majestic cat floating through eternity.

Little by little. While listening to “O Fortuna”.

keep going @JarrettBellini on Twitter.